I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
