you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
