I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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