Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
So much rum. So many feels.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
