I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
