I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
