There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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