The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
