my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
