Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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