shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
