I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
