This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
