DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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