I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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