Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
