I faked an abortion last night.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
