What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
