i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
drinking out of a sandbucket again
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
