sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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