I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
