i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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