The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
