I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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