i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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