she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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