Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
