they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
