Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
