Ketchup is God's man juice
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
