she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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