ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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