There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
