Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
