my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
