Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
