Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
