I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
