just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
