he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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