last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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