I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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