my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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