my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
