do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize