True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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