Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
