im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
