im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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