I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
