Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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