My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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