I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
