According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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