Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
