Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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