woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it hurts more in the daytime
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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