So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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