I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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