those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
