Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize